Who am I today?
If one goggles the phrase “the myth of me,” one gets a plethora of hits including connections to books, blogs, and the history of the concept of self or ego.
It seems that from the time we are first conscious, we begin to develop a sense of self. Although psychologists and others who study the developmental history of we humans disagree about ages of the stages of development of a self, most would agree that somewhere between ages 3 and 5, if otherwise on track developmentally, a child will begin to have a sense of self. According to the developmental descriptions found below, by age 5 and 6 a child will begin to move from the we stage to the us stage. I can certainly see this happening with my six-year-old friend, Sam, who frequently makes an appearance on these pages.
Scholastic.com
Stage by Stage 0 - 2
• Babies need loving and consistent relationships to develop a positive sense of self.
• Tuning in to babies' preferences helps them develop a sense of self that is compatible with their innate characteristics.
• Gentle but firm limits help toddlers feel secure.
Two-year-olds' emerging language propels their sense of self. "Me do" becomes their mantra.
Stage by Stage 3 - 4
• Threes and fours have the ability to see themselves as separate and unique individuals.
• The self-images of young children tend to be descriptive, rather than judgmental.
• Increasingly independent, preschoolers are intrigued by the new things they can do.
Stage by Stage 5 - 6
• Fives and sixes are transitioning from the "me" stage to the "us" stage, becoming aware of the needs and interests of the group.
• Partners are now able to use words to communicate their needs and feelings.
I think that the sense of us is greatly influenced by the sense of self. Who is the self? Is it, as some maintain, the ego? In an article dated January 12, 2014 at the sanskritimagagine.comweb site there is a quote from the Essays on the Bhaguavadgita. It says, “The ego is the sum total of experiences, perceptions, memories, and relationships gathered by each being in the course of its existence upon earth. It is an illusion created by their aggregation. It does not actually exist except as a notion in the consciousness of each being. You will not find the ego in its parts but only in the association of things and experiences. The ego thus survives by attachments and relationships. You remove them from the equation and your ego disappears instantly.”
The American Psychological Association defines ego as the aspect of personality involved in self-preservation activities and in directing instinctual drives and urges into appropriate channels.(apa.org)
I have a problem with the use of the term appropriate in this definition because it is such a value-laden word. Appropriate is determined by so many factors such as family, community, customs, laws, and religious beliefs.
From the time we were infants, we began to explore and to be taught about the world of people and things and all that which make up those people, things, and places. To that infant the senses of touch, taste, sound, and sight are very important. These senses are our initial guide as to what feels good, bad, or uncomfortable. As we begin to associate tones, the facial/bodily expressions and certain words of those who are observing and/or interacting with us, we begin to form perceptions and views of our relationship with people, places, and things. This eventually became the reality to which we become attached. Slowly, during the process we first develop a sense of I and then a sense of us or we. If the theories of the famous psychologist Maslow are to believed, the lower we are on the rung of survival the less we are able to think in terms of we. He would say that we have a basic survival need/instinct which demands that we set aside all other considerations for other people, places and things until those basic needs are met. Some would argue that one of those basic needs is a sense of being valued which is often met by becoming a valued member of a community. Families, religious groups, political groups, health care groups such as NA, AA, OA, or even groups of individuals who see themselves as victims can provide that basic need of being valued. There may be certain beliefs or behavioral patterns to which one must ascribe if one wants to be welcomed into such a group. Sometimes one has a lot of options about what group into which one wants to seek acceptance. Sometimes there are very few options. For many of the young men and women who join gangs in large cities such as Los Angeles or Baltimore, who align themselves with a group in prison, or who join a terrorist cell or group, it may seem as if they have very few options. The further development of their ego may be very shaped by the overt and convert “rules,” beliefs, or traditions of the group.
All of us who say we want to grow or develop emotionally and even morally have to be willing to accept the fact that the ego has no basis in reality. Still, a sense of self and the corresponding us is essential.
If we want to sincerely understand the gang member, the street person just getting out of jail, or the so-called terrorist, we must invite them into an us which celebrates the essence of who they are beneath the ego. In other words, we must offer a different ego. Instead, what we seem to do is to reject and vilify their current ego without offering anything in return.
Any of us who have made a sincere effort to honestly let go of our ego which may be based in a perceived need to be more than or better than know that this can be a frightening process. Initially it may seem as if we sink into an isolation which validates our worst fear of being completely disconnected and alone. My experience is that it is only when we “see” the welcoming hand of our spiritual teacher or the meditation group or have some sense of being cradled that we can take this “leap of faith.” Why it is that we would think that this is different for those we have labeled as the enemy, the terrorist, the gang member, the criminal, the least of these? What makes it so difficult for us to accept that it is kindness and not more rejection and terror which will bring about change. But, you the reader says, “These are people who have no hesitation to behead, to shoot, or to stab. They are not going to respond to kindness. When I go up to embrace them they will shoot me.” Yes, it will take a lot to convince someone we have vilified to trust that we can and will love them; that we want them to join our family, to share our table, to share in the transformation of our ego. Ah, that is the rub, isn’t it? If we are to sincerely invite “the other” to a different relationship with all that we encounter, we must also be willing to take a similar risk. The ego is, after all, about our relationship with people, places, and things often including our sense of higher power and a sacred purpose. In order to prove our sincerity we must open to a shared experience. As long as we use language which divides and separates nothing will change. Father Boyle, working with the gang members in Los Angeles does not approach gang members from a throne of self-righteousness. He joins them where they are. He also invites them to a shared community which involves a job in Homeboy industries – a place where they have work which makes sense to them. This morning while driving to the gas station after leaving the gym, I briefly heard a Swedish man talking about the fact that Sweden welcomes a lot of refugees. He was saying that a part of that welcome must and does include jobs which helps to give them a sense of purpose and belonging.
I would be remiss if I did not mention that I think that it is important to not confuse personality with ego. The definition of personality offered by the American Psychological Association is:
“Personality refers to individual differences in characteristic patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. The study of personality focuses on two broad areas: One is understanding individual differences in particular personality characteristics, such as sociability or irritability. The other is understanding how the various parts of a person come together as a whole.” (apa.org)
When I think of personality, I think of the basic choreography of the dance which each of us seems to bring to this life journey. If one has spent much time around babies, one will notice that from the moment of birth a baby seems to have a very distinctive life dance. Some babies seem to approach life with a joyful and trusting passion. Other seem to be fearful and often find the journey painful. No matter how much one nurtures and comforts the fearful one, it does not seem to be enough. I am not suggesting that this pattern cannot be altered, but I am suggesting that often the choreography of the dance seems to change little. It may be that some manage to explore a different dance but when some trauma visits, the old fearful dance could resurface unless one is very conscientiousness about practicing a different dance. For the person whose dance is passionately joyful, trauma will only momentarily dampen it.
It may be that those who are more likely to be drawn into the community of the terrorist, the city gang, or the street life are those who personality tends to lack this built-in hopeful, joyful dance. If this is the case then it may be more difficult to convince them to explore a different us, but I am not convinced that it is impossible. Again, if we study the broad work of people such as Father Boyle we find that some see the welcoming hand and are eager to grab onto it. Some resist for a long time. Some explore it and then run back to their old gang. Sometimes they return before they die. Sometimes they do not.
Parker Palmer, in an article shared on the National Public Radio web page, quotes a poem Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye, 1952:
Kindness
Naomi Shihab Nye, 1952
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
(poets.org)
Written November 22, 2015
If one goggles the phrase “the myth of me,” one gets a plethora of hits including connections to books, blogs, and the history of the concept of self or ego.
It seems that from the time we are first conscious, we begin to develop a sense of self. Although psychologists and others who study the developmental history of we humans disagree about ages of the stages of development of a self, most would agree that somewhere between ages 3 and 5, if otherwise on track developmentally, a child will begin to have a sense of self. According to the developmental descriptions found below, by age 5 and 6 a child will begin to move from the we stage to the us stage. I can certainly see this happening with my six-year-old friend, Sam, who frequently makes an appearance on these pages.
Scholastic.com
Stage by Stage 0 - 2
• Babies need loving and consistent relationships to develop a positive sense of self.
• Tuning in to babies' preferences helps them develop a sense of self that is compatible with their innate characteristics.
• Gentle but firm limits help toddlers feel secure.
Two-year-olds' emerging language propels their sense of self. "Me do" becomes their mantra.
Stage by Stage 3 - 4
• Threes and fours have the ability to see themselves as separate and unique individuals.
• The self-images of young children tend to be descriptive, rather than judgmental.
• Increasingly independent, preschoolers are intrigued by the new things they can do.
Stage by Stage 5 - 6
• Fives and sixes are transitioning from the "me" stage to the "us" stage, becoming aware of the needs and interests of the group.
• Partners are now able to use words to communicate their needs and feelings.
I think that the sense of us is greatly influenced by the sense of self. Who is the self? Is it, as some maintain, the ego? In an article dated January 12, 2014 at the sanskritimagagine.comweb site there is a quote from the Essays on the Bhaguavadgita. It says, “The ego is the sum total of experiences, perceptions, memories, and relationships gathered by each being in the course of its existence upon earth. It is an illusion created by their aggregation. It does not actually exist except as a notion in the consciousness of each being. You will not find the ego in its parts but only in the association of things and experiences. The ego thus survives by attachments and relationships. You remove them from the equation and your ego disappears instantly.”
The American Psychological Association defines ego as the aspect of personality involved in self-preservation activities and in directing instinctual drives and urges into appropriate channels.(apa.org)
I have a problem with the use of the term appropriate in this definition because it is such a value-laden word. Appropriate is determined by so many factors such as family, community, customs, laws, and religious beliefs.
From the time we were infants, we began to explore and to be taught about the world of people and things and all that which make up those people, things, and places. To that infant the senses of touch, taste, sound, and sight are very important. These senses are our initial guide as to what feels good, bad, or uncomfortable. As we begin to associate tones, the facial/bodily expressions and certain words of those who are observing and/or interacting with us, we begin to form perceptions and views of our relationship with people, places, and things. This eventually became the reality to which we become attached. Slowly, during the process we first develop a sense of I and then a sense of us or we. If the theories of the famous psychologist Maslow are to believed, the lower we are on the rung of survival the less we are able to think in terms of we. He would say that we have a basic survival need/instinct which demands that we set aside all other considerations for other people, places and things until those basic needs are met. Some would argue that one of those basic needs is a sense of being valued which is often met by becoming a valued member of a community. Families, religious groups, political groups, health care groups such as NA, AA, OA, or even groups of individuals who see themselves as victims can provide that basic need of being valued. There may be certain beliefs or behavioral patterns to which one must ascribe if one wants to be welcomed into such a group. Sometimes one has a lot of options about what group into which one wants to seek acceptance. Sometimes there are very few options. For many of the young men and women who join gangs in large cities such as Los Angeles or Baltimore, who align themselves with a group in prison, or who join a terrorist cell or group, it may seem as if they have very few options. The further development of their ego may be very shaped by the overt and convert “rules,” beliefs, or traditions of the group.
All of us who say we want to grow or develop emotionally and even morally have to be willing to accept the fact that the ego has no basis in reality. Still, a sense of self and the corresponding us is essential.
If we want to sincerely understand the gang member, the street person just getting out of jail, or the so-called terrorist, we must invite them into an us which celebrates the essence of who they are beneath the ego. In other words, we must offer a different ego. Instead, what we seem to do is to reject and vilify their current ego without offering anything in return.
Any of us who have made a sincere effort to honestly let go of our ego which may be based in a perceived need to be more than or better than know that this can be a frightening process. Initially it may seem as if we sink into an isolation which validates our worst fear of being completely disconnected and alone. My experience is that it is only when we “see” the welcoming hand of our spiritual teacher or the meditation group or have some sense of being cradled that we can take this “leap of faith.” Why it is that we would think that this is different for those we have labeled as the enemy, the terrorist, the gang member, the criminal, the least of these? What makes it so difficult for us to accept that it is kindness and not more rejection and terror which will bring about change. But, you the reader says, “These are people who have no hesitation to behead, to shoot, or to stab. They are not going to respond to kindness. When I go up to embrace them they will shoot me.” Yes, it will take a lot to convince someone we have vilified to trust that we can and will love them; that we want them to join our family, to share our table, to share in the transformation of our ego. Ah, that is the rub, isn’t it? If we are to sincerely invite “the other” to a different relationship with all that we encounter, we must also be willing to take a similar risk. The ego is, after all, about our relationship with people, places, and things often including our sense of higher power and a sacred purpose. In order to prove our sincerity we must open to a shared experience. As long as we use language which divides and separates nothing will change. Father Boyle, working with the gang members in Los Angeles does not approach gang members from a throne of self-righteousness. He joins them where they are. He also invites them to a shared community which involves a job in Homeboy industries – a place where they have work which makes sense to them. This morning while driving to the gas station after leaving the gym, I briefly heard a Swedish man talking about the fact that Sweden welcomes a lot of refugees. He was saying that a part of that welcome must and does include jobs which helps to give them a sense of purpose and belonging.
I would be remiss if I did not mention that I think that it is important to not confuse personality with ego. The definition of personality offered by the American Psychological Association is:
“Personality refers to individual differences in characteristic patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. The study of personality focuses on two broad areas: One is understanding individual differences in particular personality characteristics, such as sociability or irritability. The other is understanding how the various parts of a person come together as a whole.” (apa.org)
When I think of personality, I think of the basic choreography of the dance which each of us seems to bring to this life journey. If one has spent much time around babies, one will notice that from the moment of birth a baby seems to have a very distinctive life dance. Some babies seem to approach life with a joyful and trusting passion. Other seem to be fearful and often find the journey painful. No matter how much one nurtures and comforts the fearful one, it does not seem to be enough. I am not suggesting that this pattern cannot be altered, but I am suggesting that often the choreography of the dance seems to change little. It may be that some manage to explore a different dance but when some trauma visits, the old fearful dance could resurface unless one is very conscientiousness about practicing a different dance. For the person whose dance is passionately joyful, trauma will only momentarily dampen it.
It may be that those who are more likely to be drawn into the community of the terrorist, the city gang, or the street life are those who personality tends to lack this built-in hopeful, joyful dance. If this is the case then it may be more difficult to convince them to explore a different us, but I am not convinced that it is impossible. Again, if we study the broad work of people such as Father Boyle we find that some see the welcoming hand and are eager to grab onto it. Some resist for a long time. Some explore it and then run back to their old gang. Sometimes they return before they die. Sometimes they do not.
Parker Palmer, in an article shared on the National Public Radio web page, quotes a poem Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye, 1952:
Kindness
Naomi Shihab Nye, 1952
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
(poets.org)
Written November 22, 2015
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